Silver Linings Day 17

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This post almost didn’t happen today.

It was that bad.

I did get up, get dressed and go to work.  But as soon as I sat down at work the tears just cascaded down my face completely out of my control.  I would love to tell you why I was in such despair, if only there was an answer.  I had a sense of dread as soon as I woke up and it culminated in a pretty intense depressive episode.  This is the brutal, ugly truth of my disease.  And it’s why there are times I do not want to be me anymore.

It wasn’t until a conversation with a friend this evening that I found my silver lining.  I don’t think I would have seen it if not for this friend.  In explaining my day I mentioned that I took an extra mood stabilizer first thing this morning because I knew something was off.  It never occurred to me that in doing that I was taking care of myself, or trying anyway.  Also, when I left work I went to my in-laws house.  A place I knew I would feel safe to just cry and try to get through the episode.  Again, it hadn’t occurred to me that I was being kind to myself by going somewhere safe, where I knew I would have support.

Did you catch the silver linings in there?

Despite feeling like I was crumbling, I still made efforts to care for myself.  I didn’t even realize that was what I was doing, but it was.  And that means I am still fighting for myself, even when I don’t see it in the moment.



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