This post almost didn’t happen today.
It was that bad.
I did get up, get dressed and go to work. But as soon as I sat down at work the tears just cascaded down my face completely out of my control. I would love to tell you why I was in such despair, if only there was an answer. I had a sense of dread as soon as I woke up and it culminated in a pretty intense depressive episode. This is the brutal, ugly truth of my disease. And it’s why there are times I do not want to be me anymore.
It wasn’t until a conversation with a friend this evening that I found my silver lining. I don’t think I would have seen it if not for this friend. In explaining my day I mentioned that I took an extra mood stabilizer first thing this morning because I knew something was off. It never occurred to me that in doing that I was taking care of myself, or trying anyway. Also, when I left work I went to my in-laws house. A place I knew I would feel safe to just cry and try to get through the episode. Again, it hadn’t occurred to me that I was being kind to myself by going somewhere safe, where I knew I would have support.
Did you catch the silver linings in there?
Despite feeling like I was crumbling, I still made efforts to care for myself. I didn’t even realize that was what I was doing, but it was. And that means I am still fighting for myself, even when I don’t see it in the moment.
*image credit: http://en.fondecranhd.net/rough-seas/