Early Morning Tears

sadness

What does it mean when I wake up and almost immediately feel the tears coming on?

Depression? Yes.

But is it more?  Am I simply incapable of being grateful for what I have, of accepting my life for what it is, or am I incapable of being truly happy?  It’s stupid.  Everyone is capable of being happy, right?  I’m not so sure.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I hate sounding whiney and talking about myself.  I guess I’m writing it because it is toxic and if I leave it to fester inside I might die.  Sometimes I think death wouldn’t be so bad.  No more thinking or hurting or dealing.  No, I am not suicidal.  It’s just the idea of not having to go through this in my head like a broken record.

I’ve burned a lot of bridges in my life.  I have no one to blame but myself for having lost nearly every friend I have ever made.  That’s what hurts the most today.  Wishing I had friends and knowing it’s my fault that I don’t.  I wonder if any of those people that I miss desperately ever think about me.  I’m afraid that if they do think of me they just think how they are glad to be rid of that crazy person.  Like my college roommate.  And pretty much all of my friends from college.

I don’t want to live like this, it hurts so much.  I want to be present in my life but I don’t know how.  I fear I am becoming more and more introverted as I feel like less and less people understand me.  So I just say what people want to hear and continue fighting the battles inside my head.

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6 thoughts on “Early Morning Tears

  1. ~Embraces you and hugs you tight~ You won’t lose this friend and I believe that everything happens for a reason, people come and go and leave something behind to teach us new things.

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  2. I know all these thoughts too. It’s all so familiar. I don’t get teary, my focus turns inside and I feel too exhausted to get out of bed. It’s hard to keep old friends. Maybe they leave our lives for their own choices, not because of what we do. Let go of the past. Focus on you, now. That is all that matters in these dark times. Let’s work on this together. ❤

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  3. Dear Abigail,
    Your pain is palpable. It’s real. It’s worth taking seriously!
    You are such a creative person and creativity has two sides: expressive exhilaration, and at times also debilitating depression.
    Please know, no decision you’ve made is final. Old friends can be re-approached; bridges can be mended. While you accept responsibility for what’s yours to take, always extend grace to yourself as well.
    Thank you for reaching out to those who read, follow and respect you! 💕

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