What does it mean when I wake up and almost immediately feel the tears coming on?
But is it more? Am I simply incapable of being grateful for what I have, of accepting my life for what it is, or am I incapable of being truly happy? It’s stupid. Everyone is capable of being happy, right? I’m not so sure.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I hate sounding whiney and talking about myself. I guess I’m writing it because it is toxic and if I leave it to fester inside I might die. Sometimes I think death wouldn’t be so bad. No more thinking or hurting or dealing. No, I am not suicidal. It’s just the idea of not having to go through this in my head like a broken record.
I’ve burned a lot of bridges in my life. I have no one to blame but myself for having lost nearly every friend I have ever made. That’s what hurts the most today. Wishing I had friends and knowing it’s my fault that I don’t. I wonder if any of those people that I miss desperately ever think about me. I’m afraid that if they do think of me they just think how they are glad to be rid of that crazy person. Like my college roommate. And pretty much all of my friends from college.
I don’t want to live like this, it hurts so much. I want to be present in my life but I don’t know how. I fear I am becoming more and more introverted as I feel like less and less people understand me. So I just say what people want to hear and continue fighting the battles inside my head.