“Stuck Inside My Skull” sounds so ominous doesn’t it?!
Well, some days it is ominous – foreboding, threatening, inauspicious – rumbling like waves against the sand, the thoughts in my head. And when I get stuck inside my head, it’s generally my depression talking. It has been on the rough side lately, for no particular reason. I am unbelievably hard on myself, my husband will attest to that. My confidence and sense of self has been so off lately, I feel like I am back in middle school trying to fit in where I don’t. I always thought I would end up doing something I was passionate about, but my work experiences have left me depleted and wanting.
I feel like a whiney little bitch.
Which is why I usually keep these thoughts tumbling around in my head. I don’t want my husband or my co-workers and friends to see this ugliness inside me. I’ve convinced myself it is better to suffer in silence than alarm and worry those who love me the most. When my depression speaks for me I can say things that are unintentionally hurtful, and I try very hard to avoid doing that.
So here I am, putting it all out there on the internet… haha, it makes little sense, even to me! I am diving back into the blogosphere in hopes of finding my voice and my strength again, to renew my sense of being.
“Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I’ll make the most of it
I’m an extraordinary machine”
– Fiona Apple –