Stuck In Muddy Waters

Those of you who follow my blog (and read my posts) know that I have been struggling since my accident.  I was cranking out my wire wrapped jewelry like a pro, writing blog posts about my process and feeling really good about chasing my dreams of being a full-time artist.  Since the accident I have had no desire to pick up my tools and get to work.  It has been over a month now, and I am still stuck in the muddy waters of disenchantment.

There are so many things I’ve had to do since the accident; pay to get old car out of wreck yard, get old car to scrap yard, find a new car, find a way to pay for the new car, pay increased insurance rates for new car, complete four-hour online driving school, pay “careless driving” ticket, and find/purchase Obamacare health plan, all while working two jobs and mentoring a homeless child.  I’m exhausted just typing all of that, then add the emotional turmoil I’ve been experiencing and it’s just too much.

I’ve had a few flashbacks to the accident.  When I think about it I see it all so clearly in my mind, and I feel like I’m back on the side of the road having just been pulled from my demolished car.  Whether I’m the one driving or not, when brakes need to be applied quickly my heart stops and I think of every awful scenario that could possibly happen.  I think about life and death and question how grateful I am to have survived.  My anxiety is it’s own roller coaster from hell, it rises and falls without warning and leaves me shaken.  Is this what PTSD feels like?  I want to get counseling but that’s more money I don’t have, especially with all of the expenses from the accident.  I want to take a vacation, but can’t afford to do that either.

I feel like I’m failing myself by not creating jewelry.  My depressed/anxious brain is on repeat saying, “you don’t have what it takes,” “your jewelry is too simple, anybody could do it,” “you’re never going to make enough money to be a full-time artist.”  These thoughts overwhelm me, they cloud my passion and hinder my efforts to move forward.  Then I start thinking about my blog, which I created to share my creative process, and worry because my posts of late have nothing (or very little) to do with my jewelry.  Maybe I shouldn’t have named my blog after my jewelry business, people won’t understand the name, I like writing about different topics, what was I thinking?!  Should I even write about all of the madness going on behind the scenes, do I sound like I’m complaining, is this of any interest to anyone???

I am exhausted, plain and simple.  No amount of sleep seems to recharge my energy enough to move forward.  I am stuck swimming in the muddy waters of my depressed and anxious brain.  I am trying, I promise I am…

Depression is debilitating.

Depression is debilitating.

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26 thoughts on “Stuck In Muddy Waters

  1. I understand. Yes that’s what PTSD feels like. Ugh! Girl I get you on all of that! Don’t let that picture sink in as your only truth. You were at the top a month ago, you can get there again right? Right!

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  2. I definitely think you should write about this process, it is akin to your jewelry process in that you are documenting the road you are on to recover your creative connection…and as for feeling inadequate with your jewelry or that anyone could do it, don’t sweat it. Your passion for it is what makes it yours, and people fall in love with that passion as much as the piece…be kind to yourself, and let yourself recover:)

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  3. Yes it is what PTSD feels like, and yes you had a trauma severe enough to have PTSD symptoms. Good news is that if you deal with it now you will probably not develop full debilitating PTSD (and maybe not regardless). If you have not had extensive trauma in other situations, I encourage you to google EMDR and find a therapist who is licensed in EMDR (I can help if you like). EMDR is best used for one time traumas that occur in adulthood, and for people who do not have an extensive trauma history. Nip it in the bud, dear. A car accident is a big deal and I see why you’re struggling. If you choose to do EMDR, it’s short term. Maybe only a few sessions depending on how high your anxiety is.

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  4. Having survived a couple nasty accidents, I know exactly how you feel. The mental replay is horrible, but it will stop…promise. And trust me, I know how it feels to feel like a complete poser about your art (every day, baby!). All I can say, is just keep doing it. The more you do, the more confidence you’ll build…and if you enjoy it, the act of creating is therapeutic in itself. Plus, damn girl, your suff is lovely!!

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  5. Please don’t beat yourself up about feeling a bit rubbish. It’s completely normal after something traumatic happens to feel the way you do. Speaking from experience, it will get better! With or without counseling. Keep posting about it, it’s a great way to work through what’s going on in your mind. And if that’s not enough, I’m sure there are support groups online that you can join (they are free) which would help too! I had a bad health scare last year and I found a support group for it on daily strength which helped me through the worst of it. A year on, and my panic attacks are almost gone, and that loop… That’s gone too. No matter what, you are not alone!

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    • I’m nearly speechless from the flood of positivity I’m receiving from this post, I actually cried! Thank you so much, I wish I could think of something more eloquent to say but I can’t! ❤️

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  6. Affirming all of the comments here. The best thing to do is see creativity as a life long endeavor or a practice (in the words of yoga). How active you are depends on what life throws at you. My writing has taken a number of nose dives over the years: once after a very productive period, I just stopped and it freaked me out. A wise painter friend said I had emptied my container and I was merely filling up again, and he was right. I stopped when I had my son–babies and writing don’t mix very well. And then more recently while going though my divorce, which was 3-4 years of low or no productivity. But now I’m back and writing a lot. You will return to your jewelry because the truth is, it’s inside of you. Once you get some distance from the trauma, your creativity will return–you’re stuck with it! BTW I just bought your necklace for a friend–the sea glass with the Buddha. It’s absolutely exquisite. I saw it on Twitter weeks ago and kept thinking about it and how it would be perfect for this friend who is also a creative person going through a lot right now–it’s like it was meant for her. Rest and heal and be kind to yourself–that’s your job right now. We all know you will get back to your creativity when you are ready.

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    • I am overwhelmed with the support and encouragement I have received from this post. Thank you, I really needed to hear it. And thank you for purchasing my jewelry (I’ll send it out tomorrow)!!! XOXO

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  7. I don’t think I’ve commented on your blog before, but Just chiming in to say that what you’re feeling is perfectly normal after suffering a car accident. The fact that you’re writing about your experience is a positive thing! I think it’s very brave of you to share your honest feelings and hopefully it’s been a little cathartic for you to share this. I wish you all the best with both working through your ordeal as well as continued growth in your Etsy shop!

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  8. Hang in there. Write about it, see a therapist and stop beating yourself up. Depression and PTSD are like broken bones, accept you have it, treat it right and you will heal. If you ignore it, delay treatment, you will wallow in it for a long time. You write so well and your blog is so interesting to follow (no matter what topic), so keep writing. And that’s Doctor’s orders 😀 xxoo

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  9. Considering everything you have been going through, you feelings are so completely within the range of “normal” I hate using that word because it adds to further stigmatization. Keep writing. keep creating. Your mind and body wants to process and create things. 🙂

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  10. Pingback: Progress! | Contortum Designs

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