Those of you who follow my blog (and read my posts) know that I have been struggling since my accident. I was cranking out my wire wrapped jewelry like a pro, writing blog posts about my process and feeling really good about chasing my dreams of being a full-time artist. Since the accident I have had no desire to pick up my tools and get to work. It has been over a month now, and I am still stuck in the muddy waters of disenchantment.
There are so many things I’ve had to do since the accident; pay to get old car out of wreck yard, get old car to scrap yard, find a new car, find a way to pay for the new car, pay increased insurance rates for new car, complete four-hour online driving school, pay “careless driving” ticket, and find/purchase Obamacare health plan, all while working two jobs and mentoring a homeless child. I’m exhausted just typing all of that, then add the emotional turmoil I’ve been experiencing and it’s just too much.
I’ve had a few flashbacks to the accident. When I think about it I see it all so clearly in my mind, and I feel like I’m back on the side of the road having just been pulled from my demolished car. Whether I’m the one driving or not, when brakes need to be applied quickly my heart stops and I think of every awful scenario that could possibly happen. I think about life and death and question how grateful I am to have survived. My anxiety is it’s own roller coaster from hell, it rises and falls without warning and leaves me shaken. Is this what PTSD feels like? I want to get counseling but that’s more money I don’t have, especially with all of the expenses from the accident. I want to take a vacation, but can’t afford to do that either.
I feel like I’m failing myself by not creating jewelry. My depressed/anxious brain is on repeat saying, “you don’t have what it takes,” “your jewelry is too simple, anybody could do it,” “you’re never going to make enough money to be a full-time artist.” These thoughts overwhelm me, they cloud my passion and hinder my efforts to move forward. Then I start thinking about my blog, which I created to share my creative process, and worry because my posts of late have nothing (or very little) to do with my jewelry. Maybe I shouldn’t have named my blog after my jewelry business, people won’t understand the name, I like writing about different topics, what was I thinking?! Should I even write about all of the madness going on behind the scenes, do I sound like I’m complaining, is this of any interest to anyone???
I am exhausted, plain and simple. No amount of sleep seems to recharge my energy enough to move forward. I am stuck swimming in the muddy waters of my depressed and anxious brain. I am trying, I promise I am…