Let me start this post by declaring a few things. I am truly grateful for all of the things I have in my life – amazing parents, a wonderful fiancé, a nice place to live, food to eat, good friends and my pets. I am also grateful to be employed when so many others cannot find work. That being said, I am still struggling to get by and to find purpose in my current situation.
Currently I have two part-time jobs; one of which I greatly dislike, the other is work I am passionate about but it will never turn into a full-time position. I live paycheck to paycheck and do not know month by month if I will have enough to cover rent and bills. I do not have health insurance because I cannot afford private insurance and I am not eligible for benefits as a part-time employee. In our current economy, having a bachelor’s degree typically renders me either over qualified or under qualified for positions I apply for. This is a very frustrating and anxiety-ridden way to live, and I am doing everything I can to change my situation, but progress is slow going. Who knew it would be asking so much to find one full-time job with benefits?! I have been submitting my resumé and even interviewed for two full-time positions, but neither panned out.
If you are familiar with Contortum Designs then you know I started an Etsy shop last year selling my hand crafted wire wrapped jewelry. I LOVE designing and making jewelry and would eventually like to focus on my craft full-time, though I am not sure I will ever be able to afford to do so.
Some days I have a really hard time getting through. My depression and anxiety overwhelm me with feelings of failure and self-pitty, making each minute feel like hours. So you can only imagine how long my 12 hour shifts feel! I am plagued with thoughts of what I could or should have done so that I would not be in my current financial situation, wondering what use it was to work my ass off in college when my degree seems to make no difference in my search for a career. I am not alone in this struggle, I know. There are many people in worse situations than myself, I know. Does the knowledge of those things negate my own unhappiness? I don’t think so. We all have our own unique set of challenges in life and the right to like or dislike the hand we have been dealt. This is not to say I am settling and not striving to do more, I am always striving to do better and be better. But currently, I am just getting by.. trying to get through each day, to save enough throughout the month to pay my rent, looking for a full-time job, trying to enjoy the little things, and working to keep my depression at bay.
I cannot give up. I will not give up. I am just getting by today, but everything could change tomorrow!